Double the food budget

I have promised to take my 15yr old granddaughter to Amsterdam to celebrate her forthcoming 16th birthday. 

Years of experience of travelling with teenagers has taught me this:

1.  Do not expect conversation




2.  Take a good book with you (see point 1 above)


3.  Plan where to eat beforehand as a hungry teenager is not pleasant.  3(a) Double whatever you have budgeted for food and drink


4.  Plan your day carefully and remember that you will be awake at dawn and want to go to bed at 8pm whilst the teenager will want to sleep till noon and be awake till midnight


5.  Take two good books with you (see points 1, 2 and 4 above)


6.  Leave sufficient time each day for the teenager's shower, hair and make up ritual (take careful note of point 4 above as this could mean you do not leave the hotel until 2.30pm)



7.  Take some magazines with you (see points 6, 5, 4, 2 and 1 above)


8.  You may be visiting one of the most photographed cities in the world but although the teenager will take lots of photographs,  it will not be of the architecture, canals and bridges.  The photographs will be self portraits known as 'selfies'.  These will be shared via twitter, Facebook and Instagram at ten minute intervals


9.  Check once, twice and even a third time that wherever you are going has Wi-Fi (see points 1 and 8 above) 


10.  Remember that teenagers cannot walk very far and need refuelling every 15mns (see point 3 above).  Use food and shopping as incentives for walking more than half a mile (pack snacks)


11,  Do not try to be clever.  Keep it simple.  Your attempts at trying to speak the local language will not be appreciated by the teenager who will see this as a direct attempt to humiliate and embarrass him/her.   


12. Upon your arrival home you may feel despair that the teenager had the most awful time with you but through the world of social media and not conversation (see points 1 and 9 above  above), you will learn that the teenager had the most amazing trip ever.  You will not need to tell anyone where you went as you appear to have checked in everywhere on Facebook. 

Beached whale

I am not quite clear if I am a solo traveller by choice or design. 

My teenage granddaughter likes to come on trips with me but my youngest daughter makes comments like ' that will not be happening any time soon mum'.  This is based on more than a few holidays that have not quite gone to plan.  I asked her today how would she sum up our holidays together and she replied 'ummm'.

A great example is Marrakech.

I should have known it was not written in the stars when she gave me the wrong dates for her annual leave and I had to rebook the flights and accommodation and then we nearly missed our flight after waiting in the wrong departure lounge.  That actually was not my fault. 

The riad was beautiful but forget that, the markets and the sunshine because all she remembers is the spa.

I thought that we should experience a traditional, authentic hammam massage.  It was described as a 'magic treatment' and included an entire body exfoliation and deep cleansing.  My daughter was initially obsessed with not being naked during this experience but later said that was the least of her worries.   It started with us having to strip, put on paper thongs, dressing gown and slippers.  I, apparently, put the thongs on the wrong way.  We were then taken to a room which looked a little like a mortuary or a butcher shop  i.e. it was a wet room with two marble like slabs, and instructed to each take off our robes and lie on one of the slabs.  At this point, I have to say I am a giggler.  Any situation that makes me nervous makes me giggle and this was definitely one of those situations. 

A woman came in and started to rub me all over with black soap.  When I say rubbed me all over, I mean this woman rubbed parts of my body that have never before been rubbed.  I also never realised before just how many positions the human body can be manipulated into.  In addition, the more soap that she rubbed onto my skin, the more slippery the surface and I became.  As I had nothing to grip onto I started to slide everywhere. After trying to grip onto the slap with my fingernails, I realised that I couldn't see because soap was in my eyes and tried to find some water to rinse my eyes out by groping along the wall.  The woman saw me and immediately fired water at me using a giant shower head.  She then stood me up, lathered me and then rubbed me all over with oil.  Once again...slippy.  My daughter said she made the mistake of opening her eyes at this point .....her head was positioned at my feet.  It was not a pleasant sight and that is not the mother and daughter experience I was aiming for.

At this point I resembled some kind of beached whale.  My daughter on the other hand was sitting in the lotus position, graceful and sylphlike.  The woman was gently massaging her with oils and washing her hair.

The next stage was for us to be left relaxing, allow the oils to soothe our weary muscles and then be massaged.  It was also at this stage that I realised that I had booked the 4-hand massage and that meant 2 people.  I can count, I just didn't add up.

We were shown into a tent like area where we were served mint tea and biscuits.  My daughter at this stage refused to look at me even though I offered her my biscuit.  When she finally spoke to me it was to order me to explain to anyone who would listen that we only wanted a 2-hand massage and in different rooms.  Fortunately, my broken French did manage to convey this message clearly.

My daughter skyped her siblings and father that night who all commiserated with her and shook their heads at me.

It was also on the Marrakech trip that I informed my daughter that in Marrakech, a popular way to get around is by foot and by a petit taxi.  My understanding was that this was similar to the tuk-tuks used in Thailand.  So, one evening I hailed a petit taxi to take us back to the riad.  It was quite difficult to get into and I had to be helped up.  We then didn't actually have a seat to sit on and it did smell a bit but it did the job and took us back through the narrow streets safely.  On arrival at the riad, the owner and the driver found the whole thing hysterically funny as I had just paid some meat van delivery man to give us a ride