Tenth episode, fifth series - Amsterdam

I like to think that I am a source of inspiration to my offspring however, since that is clearly not the case with my children, I am trying again with my grand-children.  As a 16th birthday present, I offered to take my eldest grand-daughter to somewhere in Europe.  I was suitably impressed when she chose Amsterdam stating that she would like to go to the Van Gogh museum.  I can't recall any of my children ever actually asking me to go to a museum so forgive me if I thought my influence was beginning to reap results.

I rarely take package holidays and prefer to travel independently.  I particularly enjoy getting a bargain and managed to get a great deal on our hotel accommodation via Travel Trolley.  I say a bargain - at £548 for three nights (without breakfast) it was not cheap and as I tend to stay in Premier Inn type hotels or cheap B&Bs, this was a lot more than I would normally spend.  However, the price of £548 (Grand Hotel Amrath Amsterdam) was significantly lower than on other sites including trying to book directly with the hotel who were charging almost double the price.  Flights from Southampton with KLM cost £79.11 each and car parking £46.10.  Why do all airlines not offer parking deals?

Despite a delayed start, I can highly recommend KLM for efficiency and customer service.  The children on board were delighted with the delay as they were taken to the cockpit and one lucky boy sat alongside the pilot for the whole journey.  To say I was jealous is an understatement and I am going to fly with KLM again in the hope of another delay and this time I will be right in there asking to fly the plane. 





It is extremely easy to get the train from Schiphol airport straight to Amsterdam Central Station (cheap at 8 euros return) and the hotel was only a fifteen minute walk from the station so very central for all types of transport which we used throughout our stay.  The hotel itself did not disappoint.  It is a beautiful old shipping building with art deco architecture incorporating mythology and maritime themes. All staff were professional and very helpful but a special mention to Ryan who helped serve breakfast and the concierge who had been in touch with me beforehand emailing me a map of how to get to the hotel as well as trips etc. he could book on my behalf.

The buffet breakfast is very good although expensive (25 euros pp) especially when there are so many cheaper alternatives close to the hotel e.g. Pancakes Amsterdam (delicious).  I also, for some reason, had a real problem with the tea bags!  Not your normal PG Tips which confused the hell out of me and I couldn't open the thing.  When I did it went everywhere and I knocked over the hot water.  It would been nice (and safer) to have this served.  

The spa area including pool is included in price and we used it every night. After walking for hours the Jacuzzi is sheer bliss.  We also had a treatment each which was reasonably priced and Jennifer in the salon was so helpful. 

Knowing that we were there to celebrate (albeit in advance) Milly's 16th birthday, the hotel brought a cake to our room which is a thoughtful gesture and much appreciated as was the free mini bar (replenished daily).





The first thing we did was to take  a one hour Amsterdam canal cruise to give us a sense of the area which is really worth doing.  This was booked with Tours and Tickets (https://www.tours-tickets.com/) We then walked to the Anne Frank house and museum, waited in the queue for 45 minutes as we couldn't get tickets beforehand online then got the tram back into the city centre.  The visit to Anne Frank's house is very moving and there is a stillness as visitors go from room to room.  I think the silence is not only out of respect but the knowing that prejudice and hatred are not just our history but our present. 

I very rarely go on planned excursions however decided on this trip to book a half day excursion to the 'Windmills & Countryside' with Tours and Tickets (https://www.tours-tickets.com/).  It was money well spent (98 euros for 2).  I booked through the hotel as they can offer a slight discount. 

The tour guide was slightly over-zealous and I was a little concerned about his blood pressure.  He repeatedly told us passengers how he loved his job but had obviously endured some traumatic experience previously as he carried a large clock to show everyone the time that they had to be back on the bus and became so excited telling us that the bus would leave without us if we were not back on time that he dropped the clock and it smashed into little pieces.  He then shrugged and said it was the 'sixth or seventh time that the clock it went poof on the ground'.  I had a fit of the giggles whilst everyone else hurried to follow his little flag.  He also repeatedly informed us of his recommendation of where we should eat and then proceeded to march us all down to the restaurant.  He was plainly either the co-owner of said restaurant or was on excellent commission as he greeted the staff like a long lost relative then handed out menus to us all.  To be fair, the fish and chips were pretty damn good.





It was a lovely afternoon.  During the trip we went to the working windmill village of Zaanse Schans  a cheese factory in Volendam and then  by ferry to Marken to see clogs being made. 

I spotted clogs in the garden being used as plant pots and I asked the nice clog-maker if I could buy one.  He said since I had asked so politely (manners cost nothing) that I could just take one.  Unfortunately this was said rather quietly and it then looked as if I had pinched a clog from the garden especially as I stuffed it into my bag suspiciously. This was a size 12 (at least) clog so huge and, whilst everyone else had clog shop bags for their purchases, there was I with a massive clog sticking out of my bag.  My grand-daughter was mortified.  Once back in the hotel I realised that the clog would not fit into my hand luggage so I had to leave it in hotel room when we left with a little note for the house-keeper saying 'please use as you see fit'.  I am sure they have seen and found worse.




Please see previous post on travelling with a teenager to understand that by day three I was in desperate need to talk to someone.  When I asked my grand-daughter if she was enjoying the trip she remarked that it was great that the cafes had Wi-Fi.  We were up early and had eaten at Pancakes Amsterdam for breakfast.  As Milly was quiet I asked if everything was ok and she responded that as it was only 9am she was finding it difficult to say a full sentence and felt 'dazed'.  She did ask me who Van Gogh was (which I found a little strange as she had previously asked to visit the museum) and my response of 'he is the one that cut off his ear, think sunflowers' was greeted with 'thanks, I will use that in my GCSE Art paper'.  So given conversation was clearly not on the agenda, we agreed to go to the Noordemarkt Flea Market which we both loved.  Milly bought two vinyl records (The Beatles and Aretha Franklin) and I ate lots of apple cake.

I purchased a 24hr hop on/off boat ticket again from Tours and Tickets (https://www.tours-tickets.com/) which was well worth the price of 25 euros.  We took the 'green route' to the Albert Cuyp Market then walked to the Van Gogh museum.  We then got the boat at the Rijksmuseum stop to go back to the centre.  It really is by far the best way to travel. 





When we finally reached the Van Gogh museum, I asked Milly what artists she studied in her art lessons.  She looked at me blankly so I suggested that she had studied Van Gogh and that is why she had chosen Amsterdam for her trip......nope!  Apparently, in a Dr Who episode ('Vincent and the Doctor' - tenth episode, fifth series),  the Dr and his lovely assistant met Van Gogh so Milly was curious as to who he was.  Nothing to do with her studies or GCSEs and definitely nothing to do with me being her muse!!!  She did however appear to enjoy the museum and she said his paintings were 'quite good'.

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By day 4, she appeared to be a nervous wreck every time we left the hotel and was convinced that I was going to be killed by a bike.  They are pretty ferocious and I admit I kept forgetting that (a) there was a cycle lane (which is an excellent idea) and (b) that they are on the 'other' side of the road however I had it under control.  Our one and only argument (slight tiff) was when she yelled at me to stop as a motor bike came looming towards me.





Amsterdam is amazing.  It is pretty, diverse vibrant and so much more than the Red Light District and weed.  My personal favourites are Prisengracht which is the most picturesque of canals, lined by shady trees, parked bikes and cool houseboats and Pluck, a little shop/café which is located in the 9 streets of Amsterdam .  We also loved a little boutique called Bijons Vintage which is a must if you like vintage clothes.



Our days were full on and feet were pretty sore from walking despite using the hop on/off canal boat.  We spent four days in Amsterdam and could not possibly do everything in such a short time.  On my next trip I would love to rent a houseboat and will definitely stay for at least a week.



I asked Milly if there was anything that she learned from her trips away with me.  This was her response:

1.  If a café or restaurant is empty do not go in.  If it is full (especially of local people), go in
2.  Remember if you are polite you may be given a free clog
3.  Every bag has a purpose
4.  Plan ahead and every night look at the map again (and again) and repeat what you are going to do the next day just to make sure everyone knows the plan
5.  You do not need to pack a lot but you do need a toothbrush, a hair bobble, clean pants and your passport
6.   Take fruit from the breakfast buffet for a mid-morning snack

Do I inspire my grand-daughter - perhaps not, but Amsterdam did.




Lots more photographs on Instagram ....  flipping_nora
Tours & Tickets

Ants do not play Hopscotch

First an update on previous post.  I set myself a target to be decisive, stop getting distracted by curtain fabric and purchase things like a hook up cable.  Unfortunately, although I was very decisive and actually purchased the curtain fabric and a teapot (see below 💙), I didn't quite get round to the other stuff.  Partly due to constantly researching how to drive from Portsmouth to Holland/Italy/France and partly due to reading articles on camping and caravanning hacks.
 

A 'hack' is defined as a shortcut method that increases productivity and efficiency so obviously I am interested in learning about anything that may make my life and caravanning experience easier. 

People actually get paid money to publish a list of '100 life hacks' that include things like 'tie a piece of coloured ribbon onto your suitcase to help you identify it quickly at the airport' and 'how to fold a fitted sheet' in addition to advising that should you lend anything to a friend 'take a photograph of the item with your friend to remind yourself of what they have borrowed'.  I am sure I am not alone in thinking that last one is just wrong.......Friend 'please may I borrow your book on 100 Life Hacks'  Me 'Yes of course, just let me take a photographic record to allow for identification should it be required at any point in the future'

I also found it quite disconcerting that Doritos are described as 'great for kindling' - I know they are described as having a 'full on crunch' but seriously?

I had no idea there were so many uses for the common stick! I am going to start collecting them just in case.

What is the point of saying things like 'use an accented letter as your passcode, no-one will ever be able to guess it' - they will now that you have given this advice to everyone. 

Little gems such as ' when leaving home for a vacation, do something unusual when locking your front door to remember that you have done it' kept me entertained and perplexed for several days.  After locking the door on way to work,  I, as suggested,  tried to do different and unusual things e.g. moved the plant pot, kicked the dog's ball, knocked the door three times and danced a funny little dance.  I concentrated on that so much that I then had doubts that I had actually locked the door in the first place, had to double check and repeat the whole shebang.

Who would have thought that if you did your laundry in the morning and then put the clothes out to dry, they would (if the weather is nice) be dry by evening and ready to wear the next day - ingenious!  'Make a portable washing machine with a plunger and a bucket' - well call me crazy but is this not simply a hand wash?

Every camping/caravanning hack list I read referred to 'wrapping your head light around a plastic jug of water to give you light without draining the battery' and 'use a stick of spaghetti to light candles so you do not burn yourself'.  I am baffled!  Why not just wrap the head light around your head if it is on anyway and buy those extra long matches to light candles? 


I am now convinced that caravan sites must smell strongly of sage as everyone who is anyone burns this on the campfire to ward off bugs and 'solid condiment containers' contain all valuables known to man. 

Camping hacks introduced as 'borderline genius' included the following:

Make travel coffee bags out of coffee filters and dental floss - why?  Have these people never heard of mini jars of Douwe Egberts?

Put a battery powered votive candle into an empty jar of peanut butter to make a portable lantern - why?  Firstly, if you know in advance that you want/need a portable lantern then just buy one or use a torch (or the head torch that they all seem obsessed about having).  Secondly, if the need for a portable lantern is sudden (that is you have not purchased one in advance and suddenly need one) then are you actually going to have time to devour a whole jar of peanut butter?

Use a milk crate and bucket as an emergency toilet - why and what?  What is wrong with just the bucket plus I will have wet myself by the time I made this contraption!

Make an emergency light source from a tin, cardboard and wax - am I being dim (pardon the pun) but if you can't see i.e. all lights are out and your ever faithful head torch is nowhere to be found then how are you going to manage in the dark to find a tin, some cardboard and wax never mind put the whole lot together. If they mean use this to light a barbecue/campfire then you will also need matches and isn't this dangerous?

Johnson's Baby Oil and Vaseline are mentioned a lot (I am tempted to say so much more than I should given that my children will read this post)!!!   Suffice to say I agree these items are handy to have around ☺


I may have learned that ants do not like chalk and how to whistle using an acorn cap but Bear Gryllis I am not.  Anyone who slices a bar of soap to create 'single use portions' obviously does not use Liz Earle products such as the 'Travel and Try-Me Kit' also known as #paying extra for little luxuries is so worth it. 

My idea of good life hacks which includes any kind of roughing it on a caravan or campsite is that if you always have a big cardie on standby (doubles up as a warm blanket), a clean pair of knickers, a good waterproof mascara and lipstick, you are ready for anything.  Well that and chocolate. 

 

Indecisive: not providing a clear and definite result .........but the cushions are lovely

I have just spent over an hour searching the internet looking at hook up cables.  It is not that exciting a topic but for some reason I am finding it extremely difficult to make any rational decision when it comes to this caravan. 

I have a kettle and some lovely plates.  I have squishy and colourful cushions.  I have a flamingo that fell on my head when I opened the wardrobe this morning.  I did have fairy lights but have used them in garden.  I have a cute little bread board and some cutlery.  I have a picnic chair which is rather funky and a couple of throws.  I have a set of dominos (why?) and a radio.  To be fair most of the aforementioned items have been purchased in sales so I am feeling rather smug with myself but they hardly constitute the 'essential's' needed for caravanning. 

I have my list from the Eriba Puck Facebook group (see post 'flamingos, gnomes and a washing machine drum) which is my kind of list but I haven't even got half of that yet! 

I do have my lovely awning purchased from Puck Buddies - Bespoke Vintage Awnings and I am hoping to get a windbreaker to match (although Dianne sent me in a tizzy offering to supply the fabric so I could sew it up - how little she knows me and has since reassured me she will sew).  I am very pleased with my awning however I am now finding it difficult to decide on poles.  Jeez Louise, how hard can it be?  Dianne was very clear in her instructions - buy washing poles from eBay (approx. £10 a pair) and get two awning stops (leave one in permanently). 







My target over the coming week is to be decisive, stop getting distracted by curtain fabric and purchase the following: 

Fire Bucket - to wee in (see previous post)

Towing mirrors - I have been recommended Milenco by Practical Caravanning Instructor John who knows all and sees all and trusts no-one

Aqua roll for fresh water and tube for filling and pump (I have no idea what any of this is apart from the fresh water so will research)

Waste water container - recommended that both fresh and waste water containers are those with wheels given my delicate disposition i.e. age and arthritic knees

Lightweight gas bottle and spanner (I genuinely would not know what to do with a spanner but I will get one anyway as I saw it on a list)

Long electric hook up cable (how long is long?)

Very large torch (I did buy a cute pink torch but it is the size of a paperclip)

Table for outside (I found myself in Morrisons today trying to estimate the weight of a folding picnic table they were selling for £10 - no decision reached)

Bedding and a memory foam topper for a decent nights sleep - I have looked at Duvalay portable mattress toppers which are pretty expensive but do have great reviews

Toaster - this really is an essential due to my penchant for beans on toast, avocado on toast, peanut butter on toast, jam on toast and banana on toast

A hammer thing to hit things with

Baskets

I have decided I can't do that all that levelling the caravan fuss stuff so will insist on a flat surface at any site

I also need to start thinking about storage however the postman has just delivered my samples of vinyl floor tiles so am now more than a little distracted ......

Neurotic Nancy

I am pretty sure I will add to this post in the coming months but thought I should at least make a feeble attempt to pay attention to my health and safety.

I have a friend (let us call her Neurotic Nancy) who, no matter where she goes, checks out the fire escapes/drill/meeting points.  She packs her case weeks in advance and takes every conceivable type of shoe with her.  I kid you not that on a day trip to the Isle of Wight, she had five pair of shoes in the boot of her car and three types of hats.  She never travels alone and would not dream of going anywhere unless she has checked and double checked the traffic updates.  She packs extra sandwiches and bottles of water in case of any traffic jam and the AA would be proud of her emergency breakdown kit.  She travelled by plane last year and practically stalked the airline before departure.

It is with absolute conviction that I can say that I cause Neurotic Nancy hours of anguish at my absent-minded, nonchalant approach to travel.  She despairs of my last minute packing of a spare pair of knickers, flip flops and a toothbrush.  She knows I like to plan but my planning is of places to visit and activities.  I have not used a tour operator for years and will put a trip together myself, booking each leg of the journey separately and staying in a variety of accommodations.  I enjoy luxury but equally would be happy travelling 2nd class, staying in hostels and living on chocolate digestives.  Do I get nervous - yes, I do but it is an excited nervousness and I feel such a sense of achievement when I have survived.






When I informed Neurotic Nancy that I was thinking of buying a caravan, she promptly informed my eldest daughter that I was obviously under far too much pressure at work and needed a break.  Since that time, she has been curious but obviously does not want to encourage my recklessness any more than she needs to without appearing rude.  So, picture the scene when I showed her the photographs of my little Eriba Puck 'Greta'. 






Greta is a 1960 something Eriba Puck.  I purchased her from The Vintage Caravan Workshop in Bognor Regis as a custom restoration project.  As expected, I have had to wait nearly a year for work to start on her so have had rather a long time to plan however, work has now started,  my endless lists are being re-written and I am ever so slowly panicking!  What if Neurotic Nancy has been right all along!!!!

I spent so long this morning pondering the meaning of life and questions such as ...will I be ok driving a caravan on my own/ what if I get stuck on a lane with a large truck coming at me and I forget how to reverse/will I remember everything I was taught on my course/what was I taught on the course (last weekend)/ will I remember the flamingos and gnomes (and other such essentials)/what if the caravan isn't level and falls over/what if someone steals the caravan with me in it/what if the combined weight of me, the car and caravan is illegal/ what will I do if I need a wee in the middle of the night/will I ever be able to drive in Europe/will I ever be able to choose a curtain fabric that I got into my car ready to go to the shops and realised there was no steering wheel - yes, I had got into the wrong side.  I think most of my deep and meaningful questions were answered there and then. 

This is what happens when you mock The Caravan Club.  I am now frantically trying to find my magazine to check out the life insurance adverts I so quickly scoffed at. 

I sought to reassure myself by reading up on life/camping hacks.  'Things can get a little bit tricky when we are left to the mercy of Mother Nature' said one site and suggested using an acorn cap as a whistle in an emergency.  Why not just take a whistle?  This needs further exploration and a new post on hacks however my fears have been dispelled (for tonight) and all is well with the world as a fellow Pucker has posted on Facebook 'I am 76 years old and I can tow a puck.  Before I bought a small Porto loo, I peed in my fire bucket.  Go on, you can do it x'   Thanks Julie - Kampa Fire Bucket with lid £5.99 - sold!

#solo

“I have to be alone very often. I'd be quite happy if I spent from Saturday night until Monday morning alone in my apartment. That's how I refuel."

(Audrey Hepburn: Many-Sided Charmer, LIFE Magazine, December 7, 1953)”
― Audrey Hepburn


Since letting it be known that I have bought a caravan, I have been asked so many times who will I be going with, am I really going to do it on my own and will I join a solo caravanning group etc.  It has never been my intention to join any group never mind a solo caravanning and touring group but I have decided to investigate. 

Just so you know....my research highlighted the need to be careful when using particular hash tags e.g. #solo was enlightening and took the meaning of going it alone to a whole new level.

The Caravan Club has a discussion group entitled 'a place for solo caravanners & motorhomers to chat & share advice' .  'Meet and Greets' are posted and people encouraged to meet up with like minded people. Members of the group 'Solos' are encouraged to print off a graphic (stick man standing between two caravans) and then place in the front window of their caravan or motorhome.  This is intended to advertise the fact that they are 'approachable' but the group administrator does emphasise that this is 'NOT' a dating idea. Has no one ever heard of Pampas Grass?  This group apparently celebrates its 3rd birthday this month and membership has risen to over 450 so obviously popular but I mean no disrespect when I say that if I see that sign in any window I am heading in the opposite direction!  On the 'Practical Caravanning' course, John (Instructor) warned us all to trust no one.....ever.  He said this several times whilst scowling in my direction.  John struck me as someone who knew.  He knew about everything.  He was right about Halfords (see previous post).  He had an air of Secret Service about him and although he hinted at a career in the Police, I think this was said to distract us from the truth.  John would never put a stick man sign in his window to let people know he was on his own alone at night in a caravan in the middle of a field.  I doubt he even uses a night light. 

The Caravan Club also has the 'New Companions Club' which reportedly changed it's name to 'The New Companions Camping Club' after the last AGM as this new name 'better reflects the club's objective which is camping (in the widest sense) with companionship'.  Again, emphasis is made on the fact that this is not a dating site but a friendship club.  Seemingly, It is common practice for 'companions' to meet informally at 10am and at 5pm so that ideas can be shared on activities for the day / evening. Activities range from walking or cycling to  visiting local attractions by bus or car or just sitting having a coffee together.
The message from the Secretary states that if you mention 'companions' when booking your pitch, wardens will try to pitch you together with other members.  Is there a code word that I can use to ensure the wardens pitch me as far away as possible please?

I also had a look at the Solo Female Camper and Lone Caravanning groups on UKcampsite.co.uk which did feel a lot more upbeat and casual with user names such as Boozy Bird and Trailer Trash. 






The Loners Group did not have a particular appeal (could be the name) but I had a look anyway.  I didn't make it past the front page after noticing a photograph of a group of five men aged 60+ attempting to do a Mexican wave.   

Thankfully, I am still too young to join the Retired Caravanners Association and Plus Retired Caravanners Club.  I can only guess at the delights that I am missing.

My greatest concern (as in I thought I was going to have an anxiety attack) was when I looked at FAQ page on The Phoenix Camping Club website.  It was scary. 
Some innocent person had asked if they could come along to a 'meet' before joining (bit like try before you buy).  This was met with an emphatic negative response.
Some other innocent asked if they could bring a relative along.  This was again met with a very clear no....'we do not allow anyone else to sleep in your unit but you may have day visitors'.  What is this - Orange is the New Black?

Solos, New Companions, Pheonix and Loners are not dating sites and do seem to offer people who want it a level of companionship.  There is nothing wrong with this but I found it incredibly sad to read of bereavements and loneliness.  By the time I had read story number 15 of someone coping on their own after the death of their husband/wife, I was pouring myself a large brandy and tearfully humming 'Wind Beneath My Wings'.  I panicked a bit when I saw the thread 'where have all the solos gone' and assumed the worse.  Turned out everyone was just busy getting on with their lives...phew!


The group I will be joining has no name but I am reliably informed they have a great time sitting round washing machine drums aka fire pits, talking to flamingos and shouting 'lights out' through a megaphone.  The only problem is that they think they may have been banned from anything but empty fields. 

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Smile, you are on holiday

I am exhausted!  I have just completed a 1.5 day Caravan Club 'Practical Caravanning' course. 




The course advert promised that I would 'leave the course full of confidence to take to the roads and tour wherever your heart leads you' and it delivered that 100%.  It costs £165 and I felt money well spent.  The course covers a little instruction in the classroom but the majority of time is spent outside where you practice, make mistakes, watch others make mistakes and repeat.

For someone who is completely new to towing and not that confident a driver, I would highly recommend they do this course.  In saying that, the majority of those who attended my course had actually towed before so were familiar with terms such as 'hitching up', 'jockey wheel' and 'steadies' and I initially felt a little intimidated however, it soon became clear that the outside practice would allow me the opportunity to learn what I needed to learn and let everyone get as much or as little from the course as they needed. 

The majority of course participants were men (3 women, 8 men) and I was the only woman who would be travelling solo.  I felt quite depressed about this until I remembered I was trying to be independent, inspirational and gutsy.  I didn't stay in my independent mood for long though as I couldn't get my tow ball or my towing mirrors on so needed help in the first five minutes (Rosa Luxemburg did not have to tow a caravan). 

Despite reading the course information beforehand, I didn't really think about the fact that I would be reversing.  The words 'practice in manoeuvring an outfit forwards and backwards' should have given me a clue but it only dawned on me a couple of days before.  Those days turned into long sleepless nights and a headache as I really can't reverse very well.  I never parallel park and I never reverse into parking bays.  Now I was in a situation that not only did I need to reverse, I had to reverse the car to a fixed spot i.e. until the tow ball was underneath.   I actually thought I might cry. 

To say that the instructors John and Dave were patient with me was an understatement.  At one point when I was attempting the straight line reverse manoeuvre, Dave asked me what I could see in my towing mirrors.  When I said I could see the side of the caravan, he looked completely baffled.  After I insisted that I could see the side, he got me out of the car and then sat in the car to have a look for himself.  He then asked me to show him the side of the caravan.  Turned out, what I thought was the 'side' was actually the 'front'.  Dave then walked me round the caravan pointing out the various bits e.g. front, side, roof, door etc. which helped enormously next time I tried to reverse. 








Dave also showed me the secret trick to reversing a caravan on your own.  A stone.  It is all very technical but basically as I will not have anyone with me to guide me, give me directions and make me a cup of tea, I have to use a stone.  A stone.  If ever I needed life coaching, this was it.  Don't bother going to Relate for a fresh perspective on your life and relationships, just do a day and a half of Practical Caravanning and you will soon come to terms with your future. 

It can be any old stone or as Dave suggested, I could go to a nice beach and pick a really nice one but either way, this is what I have to use to aid me in my reversing manoeuvres. And, it works.  I hitched up rather nicely today and all because of one little stone.  I have also, in the spirit of mindfulness and acceptance, decided to paint and decorate the stone and give it pride of place in my caravan. 

In addition to the stone, I learned lots of useful tips on the course such as the towing mirrors I had bought were shit and John promptly instructed me to take them back, take no nonsense from Halfords, get a refund and order a set of plain Milenco towing mirrors.  He also told me to consider purchasing a caravan motor mover so that I can relax and manoeuvre the caravan easily.   I am pretty sure he muttered under his breath that it would help others around me relax too.

I checked out the whole reversing lark with the Facebook Eriba Puck group who have reassured me that 'pushing the Puck unhitched is a damn sight quicker and easier than reversing' and 'a Puck?  You can pick it up, put it in a carrier bag and place it wherever you want'.  Spot on advice however,  should pushing and shoving fail, I have my stone and I know how to use it.

By the end of the first day of the course, I felt that this was all a dreadful mistake and that not only was my dream of towing my caravan one day through Europe never going to materialise but that I should sell my car and never drive again.  I had visions of me electrocuting myself on site or driving off without winding up the jockey wheel.  My teacher daughter informed me that I was in Stage 2 of the 'Learning Challenge' and that I would soon have my 'eureka' moment.   It has yet to happen but I am heading in the right direction.  I now know that coupling is not always sexual and can refer to mechanical coupling and I can confidently show you the front, rear and side of a caravan.  I can also  hitch up, tow and reverse. 

Throughout the course, Dave reminded us all to smile 😊, this was not meant to be painful or scary but enjoyable.  Even more profound and encouraging were his words 'as long as you get to where you are going, it doesn't bloody matter.....does it?'.    I think I will write that on my stone.








  

Milo, Milly and Me

I am  a huge fan of the Isle of Wight.  The ferry journey from Portsmouth (www.wightlink.co.uk) is quick (22 minutes on catamaran and 45 minutes on car ferry) but it makes you feel like you are going on holiday.  Driving on and off the ferry is straightforward and I have only been stuck once when my car broke down on the ramp.  This was on the Redfunnel Southampton to East Cowes route.  The car battery just died.  The very nice men sorted me and the car out, got me to East Cowes where the AA man came within 10 minutes..  It was all very civilised. 







In addition to lots of day trips, I  have enjoyed two very different holidays on the island.  One with all the family in a thatched cottage and more recently when my granddaughter persuaded me to take her on a short trip to the Isle of Wight.  To make it a little different and in an attempt to prepare myself for owning a caravan, I hired a vintage campervan 'Milo' from Isle of Wight Campervan Holidays and we stayed for a few nights at the Appuldurcombe Gardens Holiday Park.

The website http://www.isleofwightcampers.co.uk is easy to read and the contact I had with the owners Will and Jubee was efficient, friendly and very welcoming.  They recommended the early bay 'Milo' to me as he is a great van for two people.  Their base is easy to get to - literally five minutes from the car ferry at Fishbourne and they offer to collect you if you prefer not to bring your car over.

Milo is described as a tin top bus with lowered suspension.  He has a full width rock and roll bed and there is an option to hire a drive away awning.  He comes fully equipped with a cake in the fridge and the other usual paraphernalia.  Milly persuaded me to buy her a sweatshirt with the Isle of Wight Campervan Holiday logo on it so I feel we deserved the cake for free advertising. 





Before letting me loose with Milo, Jubee gave us all a firm but friendly talking to about the dos and dont's of camper-vanning.   I am immensely grateful to her that she did as I had not a clue.  I told my granddaughter to listen carefully fully expecting her to totally ignore everything that was being said.
I signed the compulsory insurance papers (why does that always fill me with a sense of gloom) and off we went......very slowly.  This is a whole new way of driving. 

There is no power steering.  The steering wheel felt ridiculously huge and instead of holding it in front of you with hands placed at opposite sides, it was more like carrying a plate in my hands and spinning it around.  The handbrake is on the dashboard and the gear stick is a stick coming up from the floor.  There is no bonnet at the front which you need to take into account when parking.  As I drove up the hill away from Will and Jubee, I thought of parking the van at the top of the hill behind a tree and just staying there for a few days but Milly insisted we tried to get to the campsite.  The first real test was turning right at the top of the hill in front of a queue of holidaymakers waiting to get on the car ferry.  I think I actually screamed turning the corner as I went way too wide, forgot about gears and the no bonnet thing.  Once I composed myself, I decided to take in the scenery and enjoy the experience.  The white knuckles of my grandchild told me she was perhaps enjoying it not quite as much.  We all settled down and decided that an average speed of 20mph would be comfortable. 
I did notice lots of people waving at us but I was too scared to take my hands off the steering wheel.  By the time we arrived at the campsite though, we all felt pretty pleased with ourselves.





Appuldurcombe Gardens is very easy to get to and feels safe and secluded.  The scenery is very pretty as it is situated in the valley of the Stenbury and St Martin's Downs.  I chose it for location and because it has a heated outdoor pool, shop and café.  On our arrival at the campsite, I pretended to know what I was doing, booked in and was given our plot/site number.  Once parked, I realised I did not know what to do next and was astounded when Milly jumped into action having listened to all instructions given by Jubee!  She sorted out the things that plug into the things that make the water and electrics work, got out the table and chairs and put the kettle on.  I have never seen her do so many things in such a short space of time and was very impressed. 

Milo was the centre of attention.  Despite the caravans with every conceivable bit of kit on them, in them and around them, this simple little campervan stole the show.  We did not have an awning. windbreakers or a barbecue.  We did not have a satellite dish, TV or a dog and I had forgotten to pack the fairy lights but we had books, magazines, our swimming costumes, a set of dominoes and an ipad.   That night, Milly and I enjoyed eating fish and chips from the café and sat together under blankets reading our books.  It was lovely. 







I love the scenery of the Isle of Wight.  The beautiful beaches, the rugged coastline and the drive along the southwest coast makes me smile (a lot).  Milly and I visited Ventnor which is a Victorian seaside town on the southern side of the island and my favourite.  We walked along the front, visited the Botanic Gardens and had an ice cream.  We took the bus to/from Ventnor as so much easier and the bus stop is only a couple of minutes from the campsite.  We also visited Shanklin, Sandown and Brading. We swam in the deserted campsite swimming pool and I attempted to make more than a sandwich in Milo.  I think Milly enjoyed the excursions as it gave her a chance to get Wi-Fi as this is not good on site and after an hour of no contact with the outside world, I could see panic and despair in her face. 

It is difficult living with a teenager in any condition so a couple of nights in a campervan was just about right.  We used the front seats as a 'wardrobe' and the dashboard became our dressing table.  The gear stick was actually very handy for hair bobbles.  The rock and roll bed was very comfortable and just a nice size for two.  I know it is a really small area but I kept forgetting where I had put anything.  I was relieved that we had decided to stay on the same campsite as I would have found packing up and moving again difficult but, I completely understand that is one of the huge benefits of owning a trailer, campervan and/or caravan.  It did help me make up my mind about purchasing a caravan as I realised that whilst I enjoyed the whole experience, the benefit of leaving the caravan parked whilst I wandered off or drove off in the car was more my cup of tea.  Of course, if I had a campervan that was towing a caravan that would be ideal!

We packed up and with increased confidence I drove Milo back home.  I thoroughly recommend anyone thinking of visiting the Isle of Wight to do so and if you want to add a little bit of added fun to your trip, hire one of these campervans. 

I have since purchased my caravan 'Greta' and when I can work up the courage to take her on the ferry, I will take her to meet Will, Jubee and Milo. 

Bank Holiday reading

As a new member of The Caravan Club, I was a little over excited to receive my first magazine (May 2016) through the door last week until I noticed the leaflet advertising funeral plans and the obituaries. 




I am pretty sure that over the past couple of years, caravanning and camping have increased in popularity with younger families and people of all ages.  Static caravans, towing caravans, adventurous bell tents, yurts, Airstreams and tree houses are all on offer.  However, despite the fact that there were several references to younger families e.g. 'Message from The Meeks' , 'Family matters', activities for families in Devon and the article 'Double Dutch', I was left feeling that The Caravan Club magazine's average reader was of retirement age.  In saying this, I actually found it difficult to read the print so the average reader must have pretty strong reading prescriptions.  It was dull and left me feeling disappointed and slightly depressed. 

I decided to buy a couple more magazines and compare them all. 





I buy the Lonely Planet Traveller magazine monthly and I have never been displeased with the content.  It also 'feels nice' according to my daughter-in-law which, in the magazine world, makes all the difference. It offers glossy, colourful photographs, mini guides to cut out and articles that inspire me to sell my house and travel the world. 

Practical Caravan was such an improvement on The Caravan Club magazine.  Not as glossy as the Lonely Planet Traveller but certainly not as gloomy as The Caravan Club magazine.  I liked the trip planners and top tips.  Similar to the Lonely Planet Traveller, there are helpful and easy cut out guides.  There was a sense of fun and adventure in the articles and in the DIY project 'to protect wine glasses in transit'.  At the back of the magazine was an advert showing children playing with the slogan 'lasting memories are made here'.  With a sigh of relief I thought this implied a future rather than a funeral. 

Double the food budget

I have promised to take my 15yr old granddaughter to Amsterdam to celebrate her forthcoming 16th birthday. 

Years of experience of travelling with teenagers has taught me this:

1.  Do not expect conversation




2.  Take a good book with you (see point 1 above)


3.  Plan where to eat beforehand as a hungry teenager is not pleasant.  3(a) Double whatever you have budgeted for food and drink


4.  Plan your day carefully and remember that you will be awake at dawn and want to go to bed at 8pm whilst the teenager will want to sleep till noon and be awake till midnight


5.  Take two good books with you (see points 1, 2 and 4 above)


6.  Leave sufficient time each day for the teenager's shower, hair and make up ritual (take careful note of point 4 above as this could mean you do not leave the hotel until 2.30pm)



7.  Take some magazines with you (see points 6, 5, 4, 2 and 1 above)


8.  You may be visiting one of the most photographed cities in the world but although the teenager will take lots of photographs,  it will not be of the architecture, canals and bridges.  The photographs will be self portraits known as 'selfies'.  These will be shared via twitter, Facebook and Instagram at ten minute intervals


9.  Check once, twice and even a third time that wherever you are going has Wi-Fi (see points 1 and 8 above) 


10.  Remember that teenagers cannot walk very far and need refuelling every 15mns (see point 3 above).  Use food and shopping as incentives for walking more than half a mile (pack snacks)


11,  Do not try to be clever.  Keep it simple.  Your attempts at trying to speak the local language will not be appreciated by the teenager who will see this as a direct attempt to humiliate and embarrass him/her.   


12. Upon your arrival home you may feel despair that the teenager had the most awful time with you but through the world of social media and not conversation (see points 1 and 9 above  above), you will learn that the teenager had the most amazing trip ever.  You will not need to tell anyone where you went as you appear to have checked in everywhere on Facebook. 

If life gives you limes, make Margaritas

My sister is very lucky to live in Florida and I am very lucky to be able to visit her and use her spare bedroom.  On my recent trip she persuaded me to go on a 2 night Bahamas cruise despite the fact that both of us suffer from sea sickness and do not like sailing.  We survived the experience by taking more than the recommended dosage of travel sickness pills, drinking Margaritas and a cocktail known as Bahama Breeze. 




She also persuaded me to do a solo trip to Key West.  Before I could finish my cocktail, I had booked the Tri-Rail to Miami and my seat on the Greyhound bus to Key West.  I did think about staying at a hostel but sobered up enough to book a Bed and Breakfast place in the Old Town. 






The Tri-Rail fare cost under $10 (return trip) and the Greyhound cost $70 (return trip).  I was very disappointed by the customer service and facilities offered by the Greyhound Bus.  My impression of travel in the USA has always been one of really good service but the staff were rude and unhelpful plus only one vending machine was available at the bus station.  The bus made a stop at a Burger King which was a little underwhelming. 





Key West was fun.  It oozes history, quirkiness and charm.  I took the Conch Tour Train which was a great way to explore and see the main attractions.  You can feel the strong connection between history and culture and I loved seeing and hearing about it all.  The architecture is amazing with wooden houses built on posts. 




The one mile famous Duval Street felt safe and welcoming to a solo traveller.  I ate and drank at Jimmy Buffet's Margaritaville, popped into Sloppy Joe's for a cocktail then gate-crashed a drag queen's rehearsal at Aqua.  It was either Happy Hour or the drinks were very cheap but either way, I was made to feel very welcome.



No trip to Key West is complete without joining the crowd at Mallory Square for the Sunset Celebration.  Legend has it that Tennessee Williams initiated the ritual of celebrating the sunset with a gin and tonic in his hand however, even with my Starbucks, I appreciated the view. 

I do not know what happens to me when I leave home.  I appear to leave all sense and reason at the airport and do things I would not normally do.  I do not go to bars on my own at home, I do not swim in hotel pools alone at midnight and I do not sing with drag queens.  Actually, I would sing with a drag queen given any opportunity whether home or away but I definitely don't do the other stuff.
On my own, away from home I do it all and Key West was the best of places to do it in.

Is that safe?

There is a saying in the Bahamas 'don't let your mouth carry you where your foot can't bring you back from'.  I think that may also apply to putting yourself into situations you can't get out of!


One minute I was enjoying a Mojito in the hotel pool and next I am up in the air ready to puke the aforementioned cocktail.  All I said was 'I've never been paragliding' which prompted my action girl sister to drag me along to a group of men smoking dope and paying them money to strap me into a harness.

I am not a Health and Safety fanatic but correct me if I am wrong, paragliding is an 'extreme sport' so should some sort of risk assessment not have been carried out?  I was a bit concerned no-one weighed me to see if the boat I would be attached to could actually carry me.

I was taken out to a rickety, wooden platform in the middle of the sea used for fishing where two sleeping men were rudely awakened, jumped up and attached my harness to the 'line'.  I am really not the most co-ordinated of people and the three minute instructions given on take-off and landing positions was simply not sufficient. 

On take-off, I felt the crunch of my toe and my stomach did several somersaults as I was lifted higher and higher over the Caribbean Sea.  I was just about to puke when everything suddenly became calm and I thought 'wow'.  It was amazing.  The views were amazing.  The feeling of absolute stillness was amazing.  The warmth of the sun as I floated above was amazing.  The broken toe was throbbing but I didn't care. 

6 slices of gammon

I connect my love of travelling and storytelling with my upbringing. 

By far the greatest influence in my life has been my grandmother and her two sisters.  They were born in the early 1900s and were far from traditional housewives.  Raised in the tenements of Glasgow which have either now been demolished or refurbished into very desirable accommodation, they were very proud of their working class identity.  Although, at the time, women were very much associated with domesticity, the three sisters challenged quite a few preconceptions and instilled in me a strong work ethic, a commitment to education and a sense of humour.

In the late 60's, they each bought a static caravan and sited it at The Red Lion Caravan Site at Arbroath.  This caravan site was directly opposite the West Sands beach which hosted a variety of fun filled attractions such as the miniature railway, miniature buses, a fire engine, trampolines and crazy golf.  Arbroath was quite a popular holiday destination in the 60's and 70's despite the weather!  In the early 80's, I took my own three eldest children to their great-grandmother's caravan and they played on the same beach and swam in the same outdoor swimming pool. 

There is a notion that Scots are a friendly bunch but the competition that existed on that caravan site would have put the recent BBC2 Caravanner of the Year to shame.  Throughout the years, the caravans got bigger as did the funky floral patterns and colour schemes and having a key role in the site owners club was the true measure of success.   My great-aunt became the club secretary much to the annoyance of my grandmother who accused her of being too full of her own importance.  This was around the same time that my grandmother refused to have Spam in the house as it was 'cheap' meat and tried to introduce my grandfather to culinary delights such as a starter of peaches, gammon and salad cream (I kid you not).  We (my cousins and I) also had the most painfully embarrassing experience of being made to eat a home-made curry outside in an attempt to embrace diversity.  My grandfather refused to eat the rice because that was a 'pudding' and the neighbours found the whole thing highly entertaining. 

Annie's recipe for starter

Tin half peaches
6 slices gammon not Spam
Salad cream

Drain peaches
Place in top of paper towel to dry out
Cube the gammon, add salad cream

Serve with a piece of lettuce and tomato
Place peach on a plate and pore mixture over the peach

Ta da!

The Winter Gardens

My first trip abroad was in 1976 to South Africa.   Holidays prior to that included Great Yarmouth, Scarborough, Margate, Blackpool and Arbroath. 


The annual holiday was taken during the 'Glasgow Fair Fortnight' when businesses and factories would close for two weeks in July.  You would then see coach after coach of holidaymakers leaving Glasgow on their way to Saltcoats or further afield to England. 

There was a frenzy of excitement in our house leading up to 'Fair Friday' .  Suitcases lay open for several weeks beforehand with summer outfits being folded and packed on a daily basis until we had no clothes left to wear.  My grandfather came home from work at lunchtime, had a bath (this was significant as baths were normally taken on a Sunday) and then changed into a 1960's Hawaiian shirt (apparently this is now a popular vintage collector item) and a pair of lightweight trousers declaring himself ready!  A couple of flasks were made up; one containing tomato soup and one chicken soup and we were off.

The overnight journey seemed to take forever with several toilet stops made on the way (buses did not have on board facilities).  There was also a distinct lack of motorway.  Scottish people like to sing and I can remember falling asleep to what felt like 'Sounds of the Sixties'.

We stayed at the same B&B in Cliftonville for years and the daily pattern never seemed to change.  I don't recall my grandparents owning a camera but we had lots of holiday snaps.  These were mainly taken by commercial photographers who took lots of photographs of holidaymakers as they walked along the prom. Often taken with pet monkeys and parrots (don't ask). 


I spent most of my time at the Lido swimming pool or on the beach and at night after dinner (always announced by a gong - in fact, at the same time in each B&B - it was like a seaside symphony orchestra/percussion section), we went to a live entertainment show. Singing Edelweiss at a talent show was my introduction to interactive entertainment. Who knew I would end up singing 🎶 at a karaoke bar in Key West with a drag queen.





I recently visited Margate with high expectations that all the familiar paths walked in my childhood would still be there. The Winter Gardens looked grey and old but it felt comfortable like going to visit an elderly relative that you are particularly fond of. I could see my grandparents with their best clothes ready for a 'show'. I remember having a little autograph book to collect the signatures of the famous variety acts.

I was only there for a few hours. I sat in a cute cafe in the developing old town, had a coffee then browsed around the trendy shops. There was not a stalk of rock or 'kiss me quick ' hats in sight. Margate and I had grown up. There seems to be much to do to polish and prune this seaside town and I look forward to going back again soon to support this and keep in touch with the old dear.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gareth and Gertie go caravanning

BBC2 Carvanner of the Year

Episode 1/2 was funny
Episode 2/2 was slightly concerning

Steam nettle and bacon soup was served up by one couple (Angela had said to Keith that she wanted him to be more spontaneous)
Stuffed animals dressed up for the 'party' (as well as the owner)

It had all the makings of another kind of party.....the kind with a bowl for swapping car keys

David and mum who lost last week came back anyway (poor David and Gwyneth) 'it's bringing back memories' he said.....it was only last week ......'we are disappointed' said Gwyneth 'but we are not bitter' - I had a sneaky feeling they were very bitter and would sabotage the party if they could

Innuendos like 'he knows how to handle his long outfit' permeated throughout and I half expected Barbara Windsor to pop in (actually I wish she had)

When Anne said 'you have cocked this right up now', I hope she was talking to The Caravan Club as I thought 'exactly'

I think they should do a 'Worse Caravanner of the Year

Spoiler Alert:  Gareth and Gertie won 

I'm going to smoke weed with G'ma

Advice from Lonely Planet (www.lonelyplanet.com/May2016)
'Remember: café means pub throughout the Netherlands; a 'coffeeshop' is where one procures marijuana.  If you do decide to visit one of Amsterdam's coffeeshops, keep in mind the following: ask at the bar for the menu of goods on offer, usually packed in small bags; don't light up anywhere beside a coffeeshop without checking that it's okay to do so; alcohol and tobacco products are not permitted in coffeeshops.'

So, what is a café called that sells coffee and tea?



I need to get this right as I have promised to take my 15yr old granddaughter to Amsterdam in May and she has informed her friends and family that she is going to 'smoke weed with G'ma'.  Obviously intended as a joke but I find her interest in the 'bruin café' a little disconcerting and knowing my luck, that is exactly where we will end up!

I am also mindful that the last time I visited Amsterdam (she was just a baby), I mistakenly bought my son a t.shirt that had a picture of a cannabis leaf on the front.
I was working with local schools and Police at the time so not really appropriate 😓

The essentials: flamingos, gnomes and a washing machine drum

There are a few groups on Facebook for Eriba owners e.g. Eriba Puck, Eriba Touring and Eriba Folk.  There is also an Eribafolk forum.  I have joined as many groups as possible hoping to pick up advice.  Some of the posts can be quite technical but I ignore those and concentrate on the important things like paint spray colour.


I recently posted on the Eriba Puck Facebook group that I was about to own an Eriba Puck and asked what essentials I should buy.    

This is a summary of the important stuff and some much needed advice gratefully received. 

Kettle, toaster, pans , plates
There's storage under the seats but wouldn't put stuff under there that you need every day because you would be taking the seats off ever 5 minutes to get something
Full gas cylinders, electric hook up cable
Don't forget a euro adapted if your going into Europe
Fresh water carriers, waste water collectors
I always buy food when I get to where I am going
Beer. ..
Wine. Nothing else
Fairy lights and bunting
Flamingos
A Cobb - light it up, stick a whole chicken in it, a few potatoes and veg in the moat then a couple of hours later it's all ready 😄  You can literally cook anything - steam, smoke or roast - I've made cakes, curries, roast lunches
Good hitch lock and tyres not older then 5 years
Rear window box and wee pot
Memory foam topper for a decent nights sleep!
Collapsible bowls, collapsible tea pot, collapsible everything to save on space
Torch. Vital!! And crocs! Something you can slip on easily to get to shower room and wear after shower, as well as a gown. You learn the hard way! (I hate having to put on clothes when still damp from a shower)!
Make a master list so you remember it all for each trip. It's so annoying if an essential is left behind
Wine, wine glasses, t light candles, more wine oh and some wine plus a wee pot for the middle of the night as one leads to the other
The inside of a washing machine - doubles up as a BBQ and fire
A wee pot, definitely a wee pot, a big one too if you have to go several times in the night

Oh and yes - flamingos and gnomes essential. Especially gnomes as they are becoming extinct!